Is Your Book Worth More than a Slush Pile?

It is estimated that there are 8,000,000 people in the US who are actively writing a novel.  Certainly most of them will never finish, but that's what you're up against.  Sorry.  But let's be honest here.  So please listen to rule #1... don't sent it out unsolicited!  Especially not the entire thing!

I just want to start out by urging you against turning your hard work into what is referred to as 'slush.'  OK, first of all, if anyone is calling it the 'slush pile,' really, is that where you want your book to go?  Chances are it will either be put in a literal pile, and a group of editorial assistants once a month will begrudgingly agree, in exchange for free pizza, to go through all of them, or there is one person who gets all of them delivered to his or her desk, and he/she hates going through it even more than the assistants at the other company.  Do you think any of those 8,000,000 could possibly be not very good writers?  Or maybe they're a little crazy?  Guess what they do... yep... they send their book around willy-nilly unsolicited, so do you want your manuscript in that pile?  With them?  Because here is something no one will tell you... when those manuscripts are read, by the group of assistants or that one person who does it daily... they have a great time, laughing and laughing and laughing... at the really really bad writing.  I'll ask you again, do you want your manuscript that you've slaved away at for over 2,000 hours in that pile?

Everyone has specific tastes, right?  I don't read women's romantic fiction (OK, actually, sometimes I do, but I would never admit that... please don't tell anyone).  I don't read hard science fiction, but I love dark fantasy, post-apocalyptic stories, horror, fantasy.  I don't read touchy-feely, find your heart, hidden-Christian-message junk writing (you can insert author names here).  If you were a friend of mine, and you wrote a story about a husband who uses the spirit of Christmas to reconnect with his love for his wife and family, even if it were to end up two years later on the bestseller list, I would have hated it when you asked me to read it.  Editors have tastes, too.  And some of them actually have very specific areas they're even allowed to publish into.  Oh, heck, some publishing companies stipulate what they'll publish.  I've heard of some pretty funny stories of slush sent to the totally wrong person: a science fiction editor at a science fiction publishing company who receives a romance novel.  If that is the very best romance novel ever written, he's still not going to publish it.

So, do you know what editors like what at every different publishing company?  No, so what do you?  You get someone to represent you who knows the best chance of you getting published.  You get an agent.  My next post will be about how you find a literary agent.  Hey, I can't give away everything in one post.  And you need to go write!

Wrong Number

Did you ever get a wrong number, or these days, wrong text message?  I just got one the other day that was so funny.  Someone texted me asking if I wanted to go riding again.  I didn't know what kind of riding they meant, horse, bike, ... I texted back and said, I'm sorry I don't know what you mean, riding, and who is this?  And they replied back and said it's me, we met on our Harleys the other day, you were with a mutual friend Jeremy, and he introduced us.

I simply replied and said, sorry you've got the wrong number.  But I was left with so many questions. Was this a man or a woman?  Was this person contacting me directly, leapfrogging Jeremy, because they/he/she was interested in me?  OK, not ME, but the me I was supposed to be from the ride.  Did he/she get the phone number on the ride, because I didn't remember giving them my number (OK, just kidding).  Or did Jeremy give the number and get it wrong?

I want to fill in the story.  It's kinda intriguing.  But never gonna get the story, because it was a wrong number.

Write out a conversation, whether it's text-messages, Tweets, a phone conversation, or emails, that is a wrong number.  Does it go too far?  How awkward does it get?  Do they parties realize they do actually know each other?  Do they end up being confrontational or maybe they connect in some way?

Come on, you know it'll be fun....

BOO!!!!

In honor of my good friend Gary Jansen's new book, HOLY GHOSTS: How a (Not So) Good Catholic Boy Became a Believer in Things That Go Bump in the Night, about his experiences dealing with the weird and creepy things that were happening in his new house, let's talk paranormal.

Can anyone believe how this craze in paranormal has taken off?  Really, it started with Harry Potter.  Though we don't necessarily lump magic and sorcery in with the term paranormal as a genre, wands and spells are certainly para -- normal.  OK, OK, I've taken long enough to say the word: vampires.

There are many standards for paranormal.  Vampires, werewolves, ghosts, possessions, immortals/gods, fairies, zombies, demons, angels, gollums (OK, I use that word instead of simply saying Frankenstein's monster, but what I mean is created/sewn/built animated creatures).

I know I have a solid vampire novel inside of me.  I've been holding off working on it, because I don't want to be a tail-ender on the trend.  Besides, my vampires are old-school.  They don't boink you, they kill you.  Zombies will be making a big surge soon, especially if the movie of World War Z ever comes out.

But let's focus on the good old, tried-and-true, spooky haunted house ghost story.  I guess the first thing you have to decide if you're writing a ghost story is: will your haunting be explained, or will it be a hoax, a complete mystery even at the end of your story, let's face it: is it really a ghost?

OK, I know I"m rambling a bit now.  But we've all heard of the haunted house.  How come there's never been a good haunted condo story?  All right, I digress.

Come on, you know you've always wanted to... write the set up: location, background, characters, story of a good ghost story.  Lots of different questions to answer can help you start:

What's the place (or person?) that is haunted?

Does the living person know the ghost?

How did the ghost die?

Why is the ghost hanging around?

Does the living person believe in the ghost?

Who's the second living person, either an unbeliever or an antagonist of some type?

Is this evil or lost soul or possession or what?  I personally am tired of the ghost looking to get justice for their murderer, but go with what you want.  Also sick of the loved one who can't let go.

What's the ghost's motivation?

It's Labor Day weekend.  Just have fun.  And be glad I didn't go with a woman-in-Labor exercise (tee hee)....

Today -- on the couch

Today I'm out sick from work.  Nothing horrible, just a really unhappy stomach.  I shouldn't have made those baked jalapenos stuffed with cheese last night.

A day out of sorts or out of your regular routine is a great setting start-off point for a story.  Something out of the ordinary is of course one of the very first rules of what makes a good story.

So write a story about someone who takes a sick day, settles down on the couch, maybe watches a television show that they never get to see usually, like the Today Show or Good Morning America.  They have the tea and toast or coffee put in place.  Maybe they're wrapped in a blanket, still in the 'jamas, or maybe they're surrounded by tissues.  The only plan in their head is rest and relax.  But those plans are changed or complicated by something.

Did the roommate also call in sick?  Now it's two of them on the couch?

Did work call and say they are absolutely needed?

Does the power go out?

Does your character catch a burglar? (ooh, that reminds me of a great novel called, PS Your Cat is Dead)

Does your character decide to go to the doctor, or E.R?

Take it wherever it can go.

Great Monologue

I have two ideas for you.  Remember to use them to launch into something else...

The first is that classic monologue from the movie Bull Durham.  Susan Sarandon says to Kevin Costner's character, 'Well what do you believe in?'  And his character answers with a long litany of things he believes in.  Write one for yourself.  'I believe pizza is the perfect food.  I believe there is no such thing as a soulmate -- there are hundreds of people I could be happy with.  I believe that if you have salsa in the refrigerator, there's no need for ketchup.  I believe decaffeinated coffee and non-alcoholic beer and low-fat potato chips are stupid -- if you don't want it, don't eat 'em!  When you're writing a story, and you're trying to understand one of your characters, write one of these 'I believe' monologues from that character's point of view.

The second idea is very similar but in reverse.  A big trend is happening on YouTube for people to post video rants.  The standard is that every sentence starts with 'I hate....'  it's actually really fun!  Write one, then you totally have to read it out loud.  Or...  Bring a notebook around with you, or use a notes app on your smartphone, and keep a running list of everything that annoys you, however small, however big.  This one is less planned, because it's based on things happening that you react to during a day or week.  If you're able to do it very detailed, it could be really fun.  Imagine, 'I hate when I type a word wrong and have to hit backspace.  I hate when I spill coffee on my shirt.  I hate when someone's trying to talk to me while I'm trying to write.  I hate that there's a possum in my backyard.  I hate having to go to work.  I hate eggplant.'  You get the idea... it could become a really great journal entry.  Instead of the typical 'Dear Diary, today I went to work, and I'm looking forward to the weekend...'  Again, write one from one of your character's points of view when you're writing.

Prompting through Little Suggestions

I'm working on a story that's growing every week to more than a story.  Suddenly I thought it was possibly a novel.  I've continued to work on it, and it just might end up there.  But now in my head, I realize it would be even better as a screenplay.  I am not stopping.  I'm going to continue to work on it in its current form, because I started it, and I have to finish it before flopping around on the idea here and there, then never finishing it.

But what I wanted to mention is, how it started.  I was sitting on my patio with the laptop, wanting to spend some time writing.  I had no idea in my head at all.  I just started writing from snippets of ideas.  Guy's late for work.  But it doesn't matter, because he's the owner of the business.  But it does matter to his employee who worked the morning shift.  Why is he late?  Did he have a hot date?  No... he stayed up late watching an old movie.  She gives him shit, tells him he needs to get out more.  And the conversation started.  It led to this and that, and I'm on my way.  It's almost equivalent to starting a novel with 'A guy walks into a bar....'

All right, what am I saying? I'm saying that the simplest writing exercise can spark you into something more specific.  That's why I will constantly say, don't use my little ideas and exercises and prompts just for what they are.  Once you complete one, take what you wrote and keep thinking about it.  Break the original exercise's rules or expand it into something else.  Take one of the secondary characters or the scene or anything you can out of what you've written and keep going.  And going.  Write, write, write..

That's why I call this site INSPIRE CREATE WRITE.

Two friends sitting on the porch.  They start talking about a favorite movie.  What movie is it?  Why do they both love it, for the same reasons or different?  How old are they?  How old is the movie?  So how old were they when they first saw it?  Did each of them see it in the movie theater or rented at home after the fact?  A third person joins them.  This third person has never seen the movie and has no knowledge of it whatsoever.

The conversation continues... psst... that's where you come in...

Oh It's Been Way Too Long

I've abandoned you all, I'm so sorry.  You know, it's summer, I'm on the beach 3 days a week... boardwalk, lifeguards, sunbathers, one guy with a metal detector, every now and then a drunk stumbling by.  Write something set on the beach.  No Snooki allowed.